The loss of a loved one is like an earthquake that fractures our emotional landscape. Although death is the most permanent loss we face, there are other forms of loss that can be devastating as well. The most common for children are divorce or when they have to change school away from there friends but they generally adapt quite easily. Since children have less time and fewer skills to help them adjust to these situations, they are more vulnerable to loss than adults.? The pain of loss is related to the nature of the transition. When loss is sudden and unexpected, there is less time for the child to adjust. The anticipated death, separation or move is easier because there has been time to think, anticipate, mourn and slowly reshape relationships.
Gradual, predictable transitions though painful, make loss easier to deal with the pain from loss is also related to the nature of the relationship. A child experiences the most distress when he is close to and dependent on the one he is separated from. If the move or the separation takes the child away from the loved one, he may experience the same intensity of pain as if it were a death.? Sometimes, the teacher is the adult most aware of the child’s pain. She sees the sadness and this could affect their learning in school. Loss affects a child’s capacity to thrive in learning and social settings. Parents, often coping with the same loss, may underestimate the impact of the separation, move or death on the child, thinking children might not understand or are too young to understand. Underestimating the vulnerability of the grieving child actually prolongs the child’s pain and increases the probability that the effect of the loss will persist.
Grief is a process that reshapes our inner world following loss. That can vary depending on the individual and the nature of the loss. During any grieving process, there are two central challenges for the child:
Processing the actual event
Coping with the loss
There is no best way to grieve, and there are no best approaches to taking the pain away from children. Children of different ages have different styles of adapting and different abilities to understand concepts such as death, love and marriage. The 4-year-old may have little understanding of the finality of death or why divorced couples do not do things together like they used to.
In addition, each child has an individual style of coping. Some children will not talk much while others will talk about it to strangers. Grief is normal and parents need to help their children overcome the situation as easily as possible.
Tips for talking about loss with children
-? Do not be afraid to talk about death or loss. Children do not benefit from not thinking about it or putting it out of their minds. Share important facts about the event and try to get a sense of what the child thinks about it and about death in general.
-? Share some of your own feelings and thoughts. Sometimes children act as if they have not heard anything you have said but they have. Remember that in the midst of distressing experiences, children are not very capable of processing complex or abstract information. Be prepared to repeat the same information again and again.
-? Invite children to talk about feelings they have regarding the event. Then you can let them take the lead as to when, how long and how much this is discussed. If you sense that one or more of the children are becoming over-focused on these issues, redirect the discussion in a way that will not disrupt the class or impact the affected child.
-? During these initial conversations, try to understand what the children think about divorce or death. Do they have a view of afterlife? Do they place blame for divorce on one party or another? The more you understand about how the children think about death or divorce, the easier it will be for you to talk about it in a meaningful way.
-? If children sense that you are upset by the loss, they may not bring the topic up even when they want to. Be a good role model, showing children how to express emotions in a healthy and non disruptive fashion. It can be very helpful for children to know that you have been affected by the event and that you are willing to talk about how you feel.
-? Help the children understand how devastated their classmate feels. Explain that this child may be more tired than usual, more irritable and less interested in play. Advise them that their classmate may want to talk about the loss and encourage them to listen
-? Tell the children that this is a completely out-of-bounds topic for teasing. You can teach the children to respect the grieving process and avoid the emotional tender spots for a child. Also help children understand that this will be a long process and a major challenge for their classmate.